I tend to have high expectations for life. I resonate with Thoreau - I want "to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life." (Um....gross!? But I digress.) Adventure, fun, exploits, insight- did I mention fun? I seek after a full life, well-lived. It takes zeal and courage. Can you relate to the courage needed when hoping for a new thing, a bigger thing? The excitement that comes with careful planning towards your passion? But the new or bigger thing doesn't always happen. The prayer gets answered with a loud "No!" Your expectation is not met. When hopes are dashed again, discouragement can set in. What then?
For me, discouragement takes a nasty turn when it is not spoken aloud to a person of trust, wisdom, and compassion. And for me to speak out loud my discouragement takes courage! These feel antithetical: If I am already discouraged, and it takes courage to talk, then the likelihood of me sharing it with another person is not exactly an ace in the hole. But there are Spirit-led times when I do share my feelings and doubts; God brings it to light, where His truth can reveal lies I have believed about my circumstance, or about my God. But I cannot represent as one who does this well and often. So many times, I keep discouragement to myself for too long. What then? A critical spirit can take root.
This cycle of Great Expectations met with Acute Disappointment turns into Critical Spirit dawned on me this week. A dear friend confessed having a critical spirit; I realized I am guilty of the same. As I prayed over this, this cycle seemed to come into view. I can trace back the lines of this in my life: I think I see God's work on the horizon; I am watchful. He seems to be on the brink of a new thing. I pray. I plan. Baby, I am on board with the New Thing, yes and amen! Then the new thing doesn't happen. Or worse, the work seems to move from high-speed 5th gear, shoved abruptly into reverse. No, no, no! In my own power, I cannot handle the disappointment or its best friend, disillusionment. So these joined forces form a critical spirit. As in, I am on a fact-finding mission to determine causes and some one or thing is usually to blame (says my disappointed and disillusioned heart), and I am fairly determined to find out. Trouble is, this usually becomes a vicious cycle.
How do you break the cycle? I could request a personality transplant. I could become chronically complacent with low-expectations. (Who wants to suck life's marrow anyway?) How do I handle the disappointment? Is it a sin to be disappointed? I don't see evidence of that in the Bible, but I do know how damaging is a critical spirit. The only way I know to handle this is by using the dreaded "S" word.
Surrender. Oh, for the Christian to sing about surrendering all to Christ - so sweet, so simple. SO ridiculously hard when we have hard-fought for something big. But what else is there to do but surrender? Being critical usually leads me to anger. Anger is an interesting motivator and energy source for awhile. Till its ugly side effects are seen or felt. Till its obvious that it is incredibly depleting. (Because the joy of the Lord is my strength, not the anger of my jaded self.) When I have sought God's will and still experience acute disappointment, a critical spirit sets in unless I can share it with another, and then surrender. What does that even mean? I let go of what I wanted so badly. I imagine opening my tight-fisted hands and dropping the thing (or the hopes of the thing) into God's hands, believing Him to be wise, and loving, and good.
This song cuts me to the quick. Titled, "I Shall Not Want," it names our fears and unmet longings. With them comes the reminder of the promise of God's goodness as recounted in Psalm 23, "surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life....I shall not want."
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